You could be a bouncing dwarf swallowed by a yawning hippo with a gag reflex.

You could be dealing with a bathtub rat

You could look like you have rickets.

 After marrying a Jew, you discover that the tattoo you got ten years ago on your hand to represent your favorite sports team has now been adopted as the new preferred symbol of the aryan nation in prison, in the exact location that you have it. 

You could think bling is a color. 

You could suffer from Inferior Bacon Syndrome.

One of the Contractors could have just urinated on the building you are restoring.

You could be about to give birth and a representative from the Guiness Book of World Records requests to document it.

Your credit card could have accidently registered a payment of $10,000 you don't have.

Taking prescription medication with side effects of swallowing your tongue and compulsive gambling

You could be stuck in an elevator in Brooklyn WITHOUT alcohol.

You could be rejected from a PhD program at a major university via a link enclosed in an email.

You could have been posted guard at Hadrian's Wall.

You could have gotten a hot pink angora baseball cap for Christmas.

You could be the guy who empties the Greyhound bathroom tank.

You could accidentally cause the death of all indiginous trees in North America.

Your advisor could just leave the outcome to "the will of God".

As you prepare to present your extensive projection on terra cotta along the Harlem River, your guest critic is introduced as Susan Tunick - the world's foremost expert on terra cotta.

You could be disgusted by your own wrist.

You could have dated a man, supposedly hung like a horse, who traveled abroad and cheated on you - despite being given various outs - who proceeded to lie about it and didn't resist, until he discovered he had chlamydia - and even then lied, meanwhile, he lied about his only witness being in love with you to avoid contact.

You could have to dissect the fat cadaver.

You could have a yeast infection between your toes.

Your hands could be crushed between giant magnets as you try and scrape melted tape from a mercury vapor tube.

You could wake up bald and your bare head is covered with acne.

According to reputable news sources, your rise to fame and fortune was predicted by Hitler in his diaries.

You could be watching your gums receding and not be able to stop it.

Darin could perpetually set you up with the wrong person.

You could be getting a yeast infection in three days.

You could be working at the faux hair stand at West Acres.

You could be the star of a Lifetime made for TV movie at the height of your career.

You could, unknowingly, be dating your half brother.

Your grandparents are bringing a busload of their senior citizen friends to the opening of your art show, which features naked pictures of your friends.

So large, all you can wear is a sumo diaper.

Twin absorbed into your neck.

Anal seepage.

Assholes could descend upon us at any moment.

You could have bought a cat for your mentally retarded wife and had the cat bite you and now you have rabies.

You could be the spawn of Frankenfish.

You could be the mother of a frog baby (infant with a frog head) choking on a dragon fly, and you're unable to help.

Regis could think you're annoying.

You could accidently adopt a shaved baby ape.

You could be living in St. John the Hermit's cave.

You could have no mushou pork.

You could be so fat that you and your twin could be banned from a Chinese restaurant.

You could be frozen alive, in ice, for 39 years.

You could be carried away by the flying monkeys of Oz.

You run out of gin.

You could have a peg leg.

You could wake up with webbed feet.

You could have a tumor shaped like the Virgin Mary on the side of your head that keeps saying, in a high pitched shrill voice, "I am Mary, mother of God!"

Your mother could still be carrying your unborn twin in her womb.

You could be a three-legged ice skater disqualified from the Olympics.